My Dear
by Haileyamandar
Summary: You almost confessed to me a few nights ago. I felt scared the moment I sensed it coming, and I'm sure a part of you was trembling as well, because we both know the moment these boundaries are crossed, our lives will never be the same.


My life; years and years of a growing estranged girl, waiting, passion always smothered by inexperienced solitude. My heart; always worn on my sleeve while my love is easily captured like a fluttering butterfly, blown where the wind takes it and crushed so easily by the heavy weight of someone's violent tempest. I am always drawn to the ones that kill me so softly. I am so used to being strung out and yet have learned no lesson in games of courtship. Love of the deepest flavor simply finds its way naturally, quietly, into my secret heart. I find I cannot control my feelings any more than death or aging can be halted. I've tried wider walls and taller defenses and deeper holes and I thought I had conquered myself. I thought I was coping well with loneliness.

Then suddenly you were a part of my life.

Alas, one day, the mood was different and you looked at me. Tenderly, your eyes claimed mine for absolute. Mentally, you fell and lost your words. My throat became dry, and I, too, clung to the deafening silence, while my heart shuddered and my confidence wavered. The strangest feeling was when I realized I could read into you so well; you must have felt it, too, because you were the first to look away. It left me inwardly crippled, but also warmly content. It was the first time I've watched myself take a hold, however small, of someone's feelings.

Every day you would walk by me and smile and greet me, with the enthusiasm so like your character, but in your gaze I always saw what others were so strangely blind to; such strong attachment, overflowing affection. It was a look saved so obviously for me. I don't know when it began but after some time, my desire for you grew. In what feels like a short time, we have begun to crave each other. Both of us wants a taste. It is most frightening and yet so pleasing to me that every hour without your company leaves me feeling starved and purposeless. What is life without you? I have grown to use you as my personal crutch. You are the key to my happiness. I have given you mighty power over me and everything about you says the same.

This is the worst thing that could ever happen to us.

Still, we work side by side and touch as often as we can. A brush of the arms, a quick pinch on the elbow, our shoulders grazing each other. You love to touch my hair when you pass by me. I love the feel of your broad chest and often feign anger as an excuse to explore this area as I push you away from me, most affectionately. The electricity between us exhilarates me. It is the most natural attraction I have ever experienced.

I find myself volunteering for more and more of the easier jobs in the village - the ones that allow for us to meet up together and work as a team. When we are together, I feel so unstoppable. I feel so happy. It could be a terrible day, but, my dear, what I love about you is your ability to make me smile no matter what kind of chaos is happening around us. You are the only one who tries so hard and the only being I've met who knows exactly what to say or to do. You know my needs. You fufill them. I realize that you despise seeing me when I am frowning. You love to make others laugh, but my smile especially, you cherish. I am aware of this. My darling, we are the same.

We have fought side by side and these times have been terrifying but have worked to bring us even closer. I almost came close to losing you once; I knew that, if this had happened in that manner, I'd have given up on everything. I may have gone through with suicide. Because, to lose you, is to lose the only happiness, the only friend, I have in this world...

We are holding back...

You almost confessed to me a few nights ago. I felt scared the moment I sensed it coming, and I'm sure a part of you was trembling as well, because we both know the moment these boundaries are crossed, our lives will never be the same. We have so much to lose. We cannot take each other because of this reason. Therefore, when you told me out of the blue that night that you feel so blessed, so priveleged to have me by your side and to know me, I felt my heart harden against you. What I wanted to tell you is that you are my world and my joy and that I love you unconditionally. What I said, however, was simply a "thank you." I told him in short words what his friendship means to me, and that he is my best friend, but beyond that...we did not cross lines.

I cried that night. I had the feeling that I had waited for those few poetic words of yours all my life. I felt so happy. Did you sense that? Could you feel it? My God! I am so in love. I am so happy that you enjoy my company as much as I enjoy yours. I love that you want to spend time with me so desperately, as I do with you. I've waited so long for the feeling of falling mutually in love!

What a shame it is tainted.

What a terrible tragedy that we can never be.

I know how wrong we are and still, you are the first one I talk to in the mornings and the last one to say goodnight. How can I let you go? The passion hasn't faded yet, but every day I feel my countenance falling a little bit more.

- Anonymous


End file.
